Thursday, April 5, 2012

Still a Six-Year-Old

Elizabeth Esther is a Catholic blogger who grew up in what she calls "an abusive Christian fundamentalist church." A little over a year ago she posted a piece called "I can't go to church anymore." I came across it again this morning and these sentences attached themselves to my brain:
"The only place that has brought me some modicum of relief is the Catholic Church. But even that is only a partial-peace because I have to go alone. I am so tired of fighting through this alone."
I'm not going to stop going to Mass--never again, I hope and pray--but I do wish SO much, pray so much, that I wouldn't have to do this--be Catholic--alone anymore.

I know, I know, when I go to Mass I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes, and OF COURSE Jesus is there--that's why I go. Even so, when Mass is over, I often feel like Sarah Mae's daughter, whom Sarah quoted in her blog yesterday: “Sometimes, when I’m around people, I still feel lonely” (Ella, age six). That's exactly what I was feeling last Sunday at Mass when I decided to undertake my short-lived online-dating experiment.

What "Sexy Geek" didn't get is that I need and want not what he was offering but rather the very same thing that Ella wants from her mother.

When it comes to what I need from love (human and divine, to get and to give), I'm still a six-year-old.

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